Book One: Left Behind: A Novel of the Earth's Last Days
So, like, everyone around the world is kinda kicking it and stuff, and then suddenly, like, a bunch of them disappear: you know, kinda like when you're at a party and someone starts playing Cameo CDs. Except that it's one big global party and, like, almost everyone disappears, even though no-one's played a Cameo CD in, like, a hundred million years. And some of the people who don't disappear are, like, "Wow, cool, more room for me." But others are kinda freaked out because I guess their lives kinda suck and they would have been pretty happy if someone had just taken them away too. Plus they probably figure that the people who have disappeared are having a good time because all their clothes are left lying on the ground, which means wherever they are they're probably, like, naked, and doing it, and stuff.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"The terrifying truth was that he knew all too well. Irene had been right. He, and most of his passengers, had been left behind."

Book Three: Nicolae: The Rise of the Antichrist
So here's what I don't get, right? You're the antichrist, the spawn of Satan, the most powerful being on Earth since God took away everybody else, and you call yourself Nicolae Carpathia. If I were that big and tough and powerful, I'd give myself a way cooler name than that. Like Doctor Coolcheeks. Or Love Machine.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"Rayford didn't know how much longer he could take being the devil's own pilot."

Book Four: Soul Harvest: The World Takes Sides
Soul harvest? WTF is a soul harvest? I don't even know where to begin with this one. You know what gets me, though? The subtitle. "The world takes sides." What sides? What kind of choice is there to make? Apparently, everything that is taking place, from people disappearing to the rise of Dr. Nicolae "Love Machine" Coolcheeks, is a fulfillment of biblical prophecy. And you know what that prophecy foretells? The good guys win! There's no "sides" to choose. Pick the side that doesn't agree with the Antichrist. How hard can this be? Meanwhile, for those who really need help figuring which team to play for, God keeps dropping subtle hints ­ like having a star fall down to Earth! WTF? What the hell kind of sense does that make? Does anyone who believes this crap have any idea of the relative sizes of Earth and even the teeny-tiniest star? And the great thing is: Earth seems to come out OK from the experience. But still, apparently, not everyone is completely convinced that something really freaky is going down. Some people deserve to burn in eternal hellfire.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"He'd seen awful things in his life, but the carnage at this airport was going to top them all. A shelter, even the Antichrist's, sounded better than this."

Book Five: Apollyon: The Destroyer Is Unleashed
I guess the "dropping the star on Earth" thing was a little intense, because this time God decides to dial it down a bit and punish the unbelievers with... locusts. Puh-leeze. That is soooo four thousand years ago. "Look out! It's the Almighty! And he's got insects"
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"Rabbi Ben-Judah himself had come up with the strategy of simply trusting God."

Book Six: Assassins: Assignment: Jerusalem: Target: Antichrist
Volume: Six. Number of Colons in Title: Too Many.
In this book, Earth is plagued by earthquakes, lightning, and hailstorms, an undeniable sign of the end times because, as we all know, those things have never happened before. Also, humanity is attacked by demonic horsemen. Oooh, horsemen. Apparently, the Antichrist recruited his army in nineteenth-century Afghanistan.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"Carpathia's assassin would likely be put to death without trial. And if Carpathia was indeed the Antichrist‹and most people except his followers thought he was‹he wouldn't stay dead anyway."

Book Seven: The Indwelling: The Beast Takes Possession
In which Satan, having been working with a realtor to find a nice, split level town home with a fenced yard, den, two-car garage, and a south-facing view of the coming Apocalypse, completes the necessary financial details and moves in. Or something like that.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"Buck longed for the end of all this and the glorious appearing of Christ. But that was still another three and a half years off."

Book Eight: The Mark: The Beast Rules the World
In professional wrestling, a "mark" is a derisive term for an idiot who actually believes that obviously fictitious storylines are real. I'm just saying, is all.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"David reminded himself that not even Satan himself was omniscient, yet he found it difficult to accept that these eyes were not those of one who knew his every secret. He wanted to run but he dared not, and he was grateful when Nicolae turned back to the task at hand: his role as the object of the world's worship."

Book Nine: Desecration: The Antichrist Takes the Throne
So apparently Dr. Coolcheeks Love Machine rebuilds the Temple of Jerusalem while simultaneously desecrating it, or something. Or maybe the fact that he's the one rebuilding it is the act of desecration because it's God's temple and he's, well, not God. Like, the anti-God, even. Anyway, he goes to the rebuilt Temple, sits on the throne he's built for himself, and says he is God. I'm so confused.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"Engaged in the riskiest endeavor of his life, Rayford had cast his lot with God and the miracle of technology."

Book Ten: The Remnant: The Remnant on the Brink of Armageddon
OK guys, enough with the crappy subtitles. We know the book is about "the remnant" because it's called, you know, The Remnant. You don't need to mention "the remnant" again in the subhead. Meanwhile, the remainder of God's chosen people hides out in a city in the wilderness and the Antichrist drops bombs on them.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"For most people, doubt was long gone by now... there were few skeptics anymore. If someone were not a Christ follower by now, probably he had chosen to oppose God."

Book Eleven: Armageddon: Cosmic Battle for the Ages
See, I thought Star Wars was the cosmic battle for the ages. But you know how Star Wars used to be really cool, and then it got really crappy because the new movies kept going on about trade disputes and stuff? Turns out Armageddon is kinda like that. Apparently, you can tell it's coming because everything goes all dark. It's basically a power outage ­ a power outage for the ages. What a crock. At least The Phantom Menace had a really cool underwater city. This doesn't even have Jar Jar Binks.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"Rayford knew the prophecy, that people would reject God enough times that God would harden their hearts and they wouldn't be able to choose him even if they wanted to. But knowing it didn't mean Rayford understood it. And it certainly didn't mean he had to like it. He couldn't make it compute with the God he knew, the loving and merciful one who seemed to look for ways to welcome everyone into heaven, not keep them out."

Book Twelve: Glorious Appearing: The End of Times
Imagine you're one of the people spirited away from Earth at the beginning of all this. You've got to be thinking: "Oh man, this is great. I get to live in paradise forever." So how bummed are you going to be when, after seven years, you have to come back again? Admittedly, you get to come back with the returning Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, which is pretty cool ("Yeah, so I was heading to Earth with Jesus the other day...") and you get to watch as the heavenly armies smite the Forces of Darkness, cast the Beast into "the pit" (wherever that is), and slaughter everyone who, for some bizarre reason, still doesn't believe in Christ (we're looking at you, Hymie), but still... You have to at least hope Jesus buys you some new clothes to replace the ones you left behind. Anyway, Jesus is in charge now, for a thousand years anyway, so with that kind of muscle getting things done, you have to figure that at least the power's going to come back on.
Brilliant Literary Excerpt:
"I can't wait till Jesus gets here, but the clock moves slow when nothin's happening."